2010 lessons continued..

2010 lesson number 1: Stop planning & allow life to take you on an adventure

‎2010 lesson number 2: Fabulousness shines through 15 kilos of weight gain so quit stressing

2010 lesson number 3: Someone told me years ago that to be truly happy I need to "learn to be OK with [your]self and enjoy [your] own company". I am and I do. Halleluja!

2010 lesson number 4: Don't share too much. There's always someone who will take advantage of your openess

‎2010 lesson number 5: History means a lot in friendships but sometimes it's just not enough

Out of Sorts

I'm feeling out of sorts lately. I don't feel motivated to go to work every morning. I don't feel energetic during the day. I'm not up for seeing anyone. I've been told I'm tired since my trip to Pakistan. I feel a change within as well. People are annoying me too quickly. I just can't be bothered. I'm not myself. Although, what is myself?! Time for some soul searching.

Random Thoughts

Thoughts on WINTER

Winter brings out all kinds of feelings in people. Happy ones. Excited ones. Sensitive ones. Sad ones. Maybe the purity of the snow highlights the darkness of our minds or the vibrance of our mood. I think it's the season most people yearn for a partner (or so I've been told) to stay warm on those shivering winter nights. It's also the season that puts most pressure on family bonding and everyone rushes home. Winter also forces out the urge to spend. Shop until you drop then pick yourself up and shop some more.

Thoughts on FRIENDSHIP

I love the way children love. No adult loves like a child because no adult loves unconditionally. Well some do, but I've met very few in my 27 years. One, in fact. Men in particular always care with a motive. Parents, especially in Asian families, love with conditions. Your happiness is theirs as long as you're following what they dictate. Friends too pretend to care unconditionally but quietly their concern goes as far as you meeting their expectations. We live in a world of opportunists. I keep forgetting this very important fact. It's disappointing and very discouraging.

Thoughts on FATE

There are two main viewpoints on fate. Some believe in it. Others don't. It's that simple. I for one believe entirely in fate and over the years life has proven to me that planning is completely and absolutely pointless. One must give one's best and leave the rest up to fate. No one's smart enough to fight it, though you should still try to prove to yourself that you did your best. There's a little fighter in everyone anyway.

Thoughts on REGRET

It's always advisable not to regret anything in life. It's one of those things that are easier preached than practiced though. I feel nothing but regret over missing my gorgeous cousin's wedding. Word of advice to all: Never ever put work before family.

Last Thoughts on Pakistan

Every day I feel a deep sense of loss after this particular trip to Pakistan. I don’t know what it is. I’ve also never felt this sad leaving it before. The love that family has shown me there has made life in the West seem so hollow and insignificant. I can almost go so far as to say that my view on the world and priorities have changed. The thought of partying isn’t sending that same rush through my body anymore. Going to work is nice, but just because it’s mine. That’s my only comfort now. I’m here for whatever it is because it’s something I’ve created for myself.

Pakistan, with all it’s obvious flaws, is full of emotion and passion. People care like nowhere else. Even when they don’t give a shit, they do it properly. No one’s blasé. Young Pakistani’s love to enjoy life. They push the envelope whenever they can but culture and religion remains central to their lifestyle. Food never evades them. Lunch is served before breakfast is digested and dinner plans are made over lunch. Ah the good life. I’ve been back four days and haven’t cooked a single meal for myself. Won’t be cooking in the coming 3 days either. So much for an independent life.

I can’t complain much though. London’s great. I just wish I could pool together the handful of family in Pakistan, the smaller handful in Holland and bring them all to me. But then there would be no one and nothing to miss. Leading the life of a gypsy constantly on the move isn’t always easy..which reminds me I must book tickets for Shakira's concert!

Too Much To Do Too Little Time

Two more days to go. Time's running out! Dholki dance practice is in session and I'm eating LOADS. My aunt's generous as always and showing everyone a good time. I hate the thought of getting back to routine on the 23rd while my cousin's mehndi's taking place here. Aaaaa talk about shit timing.

When a Wedding Taketh Over

A wedding is supposed to be a time of joy, laughter, happiness and celebration. Why then does it always bring the worst out in people? I notice each wedding turns into a case of negativity, frustration and stress. The biggest issue of concern appears to be money. I know one thing for sure - I will not be getting married in Pakistan. The hassle, the wasted time spent on driving through miserable traffic (which is ALWAYS chockablock) to a billion shops, negotiating with tailors and dyers and henna artists and caterers and venues and photographers.. aaaaaaa I can't take it anymore! My wedding will be simple. It will involve hiring a wedding planner and making sure the guy's family pays for it. Okay that was a bit cheeky but surely there has to be way out of this madness!

Watching everyone around me makes me realize how much my mother did for my sister's wedding. NOTHING was unfinished or unresolved. She took care of everything from the jeweler, makeup artist and clothes to the venue, catering, invitations and what not. The only concern my sister had was to get a good night's rest before her big day. I too was oblivious to everything my mother singlehandedly managed - a true superwoman!

I'm also getting a better understanding of how important in-laws are to Pakistani marriages. Here, it's LITERALLY a case of buy one get a whole family and their friends and enemies for free. I would hate the thought of interfering family members who aren't even my own. As a rebel I rarely listen to my own blood let alone outsiders. This too worries me but I'm finding great comfort in the fact that I don't live here and can speak my mind openly five days from now. Pakistanis, as wonderful as they are in their own way, are ridiculously hypocritical and shallow. It's about ignoring our actions and judging others for theirs. It's also ALL about society and making others happy. Never mind your own happiness - in fact don't even mention your own happiness - please others even if it's your big day. Be miserable in the process, but please your in-laws and distant relatives until your last breath. Oh and don't feel bad either as Allah will reward you in your next life.

Can anyone read the sarcasm?!

And so once again I find myself between two worlds, not fully belonging to either like millions out there including my friends. I guess that's what draws us to each other. We're just too damn alike!

Inshallah and Mashallah

Religion is a huge part of life in Pakistan. There's a prayer for good health; one for a safe journey; one to help find what's lost; one for success - the list is endless. It's interesting to see the role faith plays in the lives of Muslims. At times I find myself so far from my roots that I can't even see the Naveen I once was. Maybe I'm not looking hard enough (I'm listening to R.E.M's "Losing my religion" as I write this for inspiration). But then again there are times when I think of God - for example when I pray for my granny's health or my nieces' future, or even a small prayer every time my plane's about to take off. Someone once told me: "if you don't ask Allah he won't give you". As a student I struggled to pass one subject. I attempted again and again, failing miserably each time. After this advice I prayed - and I passed. It may have been luck for all I know, but I chose to believe it was the fact that my prayer had been answered. That's the thing about faith - it's what you believe, not what is.

Some may find it strange that I find it a turn on when Shahrukh Khan says "inshallah". He says this often by the way. It may be one of the reasons I have so much respect for him. The same goes for someone I find in Holland/London who has a Muslim background but isn't all that religious. I feel connected to them, like we're on the same page because both of us have drifted away from our roots, but deep down we know who we are and only WE understand this. It feels silly to confess that at 27 I'm still finding my way. I believe I'll have it all figured out by 30 - inshallah.

Lady of Leisure

Time is really flying. It's already the 15th and my flight's a week from now. I already know I'm going to miss my time in Karachi a lot. Luckily life in London is very busy and any moments of feeling homesick pass soon enough. I will definitely miss having my breakfast ready n waiting for me every morning (or afternoon which is usually when I wake up), being taken out for lunch followed by a lavish dinner and dessert - there's ALWAYS room for dessert...which reminds me that I have to kill it at the gym asap! The fat ain't gonna burn itself.

While I love my independence and fought very hard for it, I must say I could sooooo get used to being waited on hand and foot.

Ok this blog isn't very insightful is it?! I'm not feeling inspired right now as got only four hours of sleep last night. Zzzz

Close Encounters

They say life is often about being at the right place at the right time. Tonight, that's exactly what happened.

I was at CTC mall and less than 2 km away, a massive blast shook up the city - literally! All we heard inside the mall while searching for yet more material for festivities (it's permanently wedding season in Pakistan) was the sudden rattling of a shop's shutter. Shopkeepers, immune to the state of Karachi as of late, ignored it. Within seconds - yes, seconds! - hundreds of shoppers poured in from behind us and rushed towards the exits. I heard some random voices saying it was an explosion in the building across the street. Our driver said he heard the blast loud and clear and had started to run away from the car. My cousins and aunt are equally immune to the pathetic lawlessness of Karachi and decided to drive over to another area to continue shopping. The city thought faster and everything was dead except for speeding cars escaping the city to find refuge in their homes. We managed to collect some more fabric along the way from a darkened alley. The lights had been switched off and the alley - in reality a tiny mall - was deserted. Luckily the shopkeepers agreed to come outside on street level and hand over the goods. The city, which fifteen minutes ago was hustling bustling with activity, became still. Unfortunately, the only time the roads are peaceful to drive on and the drive a pleasant one without honks blasting in your ear is at times when fear pushes people off the streets and threatens them into silence.

At home, four windows and one door had been forced open because of the blast. As someone who has fortunately never been through war or any real hardship (excluding a cheating ex and making a life for myself in a strange country twice), I'm still in shock I suppose. I couldn't even get myself to listen to the news afterwards. Too disturbing. Too real.

Lights out. The city's asleep.

The Games Married Folks And Singletons Play

We live in a universe where societal norms and values dominate our lives and shape perceptions. Our self worth gets measured like weights on an antique scale. Finding the right balance becomes difficult for some and impossible for most. Hypocrisy and double standards cloud sound judgment and temptation ruins man and woman entirely.

So often it is brought to my attention that married men are the worst. They cheat on their wives at the first chance they stumble upon. It could be the maid. It could be the nanny - a common prey for celebrities. It could be the wife's best friend. It could be a colleague. What I find extremely disturbing is that these incidents are no longer limited to married men. As with careers, politics, education and sports, married women have outrun married men. The single man has now become "prey" - in theory. He is charming. He is exciting. He is available. The only difference in the rules of the game is that the single man is not prey. He is willingly participating knowing the facts. He is oblivious to the sanctity of marriage. He wants instant gratification. He wants a married woman's touch. He wants her validation. He is in total and complete denial of his position in this dirty game. He is after all a man responding to a woman's open arms. Her husband is the real prey. He is a shadow in the background. He is trusting. He is a man of dignity, blissfully unaware of the married woman and the dirty games she plays.

Pakistan Zindabad

"You act like a Pakistani over there rather than a Western gal".

Yes, it's true. I'm a proper Pakistani girl here. I say "ji" all the time even when I don't mean it. I don't talk to boys. Hell I don't even make eye contact with them. I walk with my head down often though I might just be the only remaining Pakistani girl doing this. I wear shalwar kurta all the time. My dupatta covers my chest - always! I make an effort to say inshallah and mashallah at least once during each conversation. I politely ask about everyone's aunties, uncles, cousins, grandchildren, neighbours and pets. I offer to get the bill - though this is something I do out of Pakistan too. It's just more exaggerated and might I add expected here.

And so another day has almost passed. I managed to make some family visits and spent half a day at a beauty parlour (yep, it's called beauty parlour here). It's a hard life eh?!

Electricity just came back - time for dinner! Woop woop!

Fateh Ali Khan lives on

Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan may have left us years ago but his nephew, Rahat Fateh Ali Khan has filled his shoes brilliantly. Just got back from his concert. I'm choosing to forget the fact that it started two and a half hours too late because the vocal genius made up for it within seconds. Someone told me that his voice echoes in your ears for a week after hearing him live. I will report back a week from now but tonight, I will close my eyes and hear magic!

5 days and counting

Five days have already passed since I landed at Jinnah International Airport in Karachi. I feel very much at home though equally out of place. I'm fairly certain that had I not spent the first twelve years of my life here, I wouldn't know what to make of myself and my environment.

In the midst of preparations for a family wedding, I find myself noticing what the value of marriage is in Pakistani society. The sheer amount of money that is spent on clothes a girl will most probably only wear once, jewelery requiring life savings (which by the way is considered an investment though I wonder how it's an investment when no one will willingly trade in their family jewels for cash unless it's a life or death situation), and finally - dowry, makes the mind boggle. I'm confident that if and when I get married, the only extras I'm taking to my in-laws are myself, my sense of humor and my no-nonsense attitude. Of course this worries me about the fact that any matrimonial prospects may have a big "if" attached to them as I don't fit the "traditional-good-Muslim-girl-who-doesn't-ask-questions" image. On the plus side, it's a time of joy and celebration. There's always something to talk about - the venues, the tailoring, the dyers, the material, the shoes, the food, the guest list - who made the cut and who didn't. This is how it goes: whoever hasn't asked about you over the years but still demands the rights of family are to be strictly and deliberately excluded. They are not to be told of the wedding. If they find out from a third party and feel the sting of this exclusion and "disrespect", even better! Second, the makeup artist is crucial! THERE IS NO WEDDING without a makeup artist who's famous in the city and charges unimaginable amounts of money. After all, how can a bride keep face when mentioning an unknown makeup artist and designer if a guest asks her - which they will and then they'll compare notes.

What I AM loving and wish there was more of in the West is hospitality and generosity. This isn't to say that generosity is second nature to all Pakistanis, but it's certainly an intrinsic part of most locals' upbringing. People insist on paying the bill in Pakistan. Abroad, you argue over who owes one cent less.

I can honestly say that I'm not missing London or Holland too much which means I'm having a good time here and being entertained well. The only time I want to teleport myself is on a Friday or Saturday night when I KNOW I'd be up to slightly more than watching old Bollywood films on TV and lying awake in bed, restless, till 5am;)

Return to Motherland

It's been two years since I last visited Karachi, Pakistan - the city of my childhood. A lot is unchanged, from the poorly constructed roads and smartly dressed transvestites or "hijras" to the West-inspired malls and vividly apparent divide in classes. Conversation revolves around food, beauty salons and politics. As someone who considers herself as much a Pakistani as one who's never left the country, I am factually an outsider and view my people and country from a distance. I feel this allows me to understand the nuances and body language that the locals are oblivious to.

What I want to see and hear more of is ambition, stories of travel, voices of independent women fighting the norm and less judgment. Judgment is sadly second nature to Pakistanis and while I have a natural instinct to be judgmental of others at times I consciously force myself to fight the urge. Daily common judgmental comments include words like "dark", "fat" and "cheap". I personally feel that if someone wants to be a black chunky slut that's completely her choice and poo on anyone who judges her. The only time I would judge this black chunky slut is if she had nasty intentions, in which case I would prefer to smack her than to judge her.

Lessons 2010

After last year's appreciation for "Naveen's lessons learned in 2009" on Facebook, I have decided to share my lessons every year - the painful, the embarassing, the mundane, the wise and the frustrating!

1. Always, always read every single word of a contract. This is one boring activity you don't want to rush.

2. Stop planning every moment of your life. Let life happen and allow things to flow naturally.

3. When things don't move, move yourself. I struggled to find a stable job for a whole year before packing my bags and moving to London. A month later I had a job!

4. Trust no one. This is especially crucial in the workplace. There's always someone afraid you're after their job and will do their best to sabotage your reputation and credibility. Keep moving forward and work hard. Hard work speaks for itself.

5. Connections are everything, but sometimes they're not enough. This highlights my previous point. You may have the connections but they won't sustain you. YOU will sustain you.

6. Boys will be boys. It doesn't matter if they're your friend's brother. It doesn't matter if they've been a trusted friend for years. Don't let history and associations fool you. Boys will be boys, and boys will always think with their d****.

7. Safeguard yourself. Surround yourself with positive, fun people. Be financially independent. Dress warmly. Take your vitamins.

8. Family bonds must be strong. Nothing else matters for very long when they're not.

9. Parents get old. You suddenly find yourself in a situation where even your parents can't help you and you instantly become an adult. Finally!

10. Every now and then, friendships can be platonic. Who'd have thought?!

AAMIR KHAN

Oh today was exciting! I shared an auditorium with legendary Indian actor, Aamir Khan. He impressed me as much in person as he did with his movies. His well thought out words, stress on the word "feel" and humble presence really spoke to me. When BBC Asian Network hosts Raj and Pablo introduced him, he emerged before the audience like a shy boy, smiling coyly. I do heart him! Times like these make me feel very grateful to be part of a magazine giant in London. In the past six months I have had the luxury of meeting or sharing space with celebrities like Raj & Pablo, Tommy Sandhu, Gok Wan, Anjum Anand, Simon Cowell, Louis Walsh, Cheryl Cole and now, Aamir Khan. I feel I'm finally getting close to my idol, SRK!

Migraines, Ramadan and Mr. Khan

Work life has finally caught up with me. I have headaches day after day. I'm told it's due to stress. I beg to differ.

I also have a confession - Ramadan is almost over and I have not kept a single fast. This may be the first time since I turned 12 when I have totally and completely neglected my Muslim duties. I can't help but feel a pang of guilt every day but it still doesn't stop me from reaching for that bag of crisps yelling out my name.

Meanwhile, my housemates are losing it. One has developed an opera version to my "koochi koo" and the other finds it totally reasonable to dish out ridiculous amount of dosh on rent just to avoid a bit of travelling which by the way EVERY Londoner does as part of their "I'm a true Londoner" spiel.

On a more exciting note, next week I shall be meeting (or rather I've been promised this) Oscar nominated star, the one and only, Aamir Khan. He's no Shahrukh Khan but certainly next in line for me. I've often day dreamt about him as he serenaded gorgeous Indian beauties before my envious eyes.

Time for bed!

I Intend Therefore I Do

Intension is but one word with a lot of meaning.

There's nothing I loathe more than people with bad intensions. I don't care if you walk around with a prayer mat in your hands or avoid bars because you don't drink as part of your "I'm such a pure Muslim" joke - if your intensions are nasty, you are scum.

It makes me wonder what makes someone geared towards good intension, and why the rest of us are so tempted by bad intension and jeapordising others. The latter use insecurity and jealousy as their guiding force and intend to harm anyone that comes in their way.

To be cont

Move faster - please!

Almost five months on, I'm a broken-in Londoner. I move like the speed of lighting (even on weekends), I curse, I crave Friday night drinks, my sentences end with questions that require agreement {"It's hot today, isn't it?"}, I'm in love with muffins and my day isn't complete without a hot cuppa Starbucks in my hands while rushing like mad woman to work.

Work has been manic and I've learnt that sales may be the hardest job in the world. It is VERY difficult to convince people to give you their money in a recession. I have also learnt that relationships in sales are quite similar to relationships between you and I. You put your best foot forward, make an offer for proposal and wait for a response. There are three kinds of responses- One: "I do". Two: I'll say I do but I won't mean it and I shall terminate any false hope I built up for a relationship". Three: "Not a chance".

Chance is a small word with lots of meaning like luck, love, the oh-so-powerful hate and fear. This week has been about chances. I had the chance to get VIP seats at X-Factor. I took it and ended up sitting a mere three rows away from Simon Cowell. Then, I had the chance to go to a Bollywood party. I took it and ended up meeting two BBC adored radio tycoons. Not a bad week by far.

Far. Holland's far isn't it? Well not really, but sometimes the distance between two countries only helps in terms of flight ticket expenditure. Distance is distance and I must admit, any time I get a moment away from the madness of London, I feel very, very, very homesick and wonder what the hell I'm doing here away from family and friends.

Friends and lovers are next on the menu. Between getting a job, finding a decent place to live and moving out to a better place closer to work, I haven't had much of a chance to invest in new friendships and dare I say, relationships. It may be time to rechannel my attention!

Two weeks of non-stop early mornings

I was wondering what it would be like to have a scheduled life again. I can stop wondering now. Feel very much sleep deprived, but alive. Feeling productive and strong. Feel positive. Feel like myself again. Ups and downs are as intrinsic to my life as they were last year, but at least I feel more equipped to deal with them now. Challenges and speed bumps? Bring it on!

One Month Old

I'm less than an hour away from turning one. Ok, not me per say, but Naveen in London. This one month has been a very interesting chapter in my life. 2010 started off with a bang - literally - as I huddled together with friends under amazing crackling fireworks to celebrate the end of 2009. The song "it was a very good year" would NOT apply to 2009. Note to all: 2009 was the year of learning lessons and finding myself again.

Last week was very interesting from a work point of view. For perhaps the first time in my life, I was at the right place at the right time. I may become a permanent feature at Asiana (Inshallah and keeping fingers crossed!). I've certainly worked very hard to be here and earned it. I can only hope that fate will stay on my side.

After going back and forth the tubes of London today, I met up with family for dinner - a lovely reunion. Had a special moment of being told "we haven't seen much of each other in the last years but we ARE family". 'Family' never fails to have great power in its delivery. It's this power which allows generations to be tied together in bonds - bonds of blood, bonds of culture, bonds of respect and bonds of love (with the occasional bonds of guilt;) I feel grateful to have family, in any form, and my heart goes out to those who don't, either willingly or due to unavoidable circumstances.

And so, I feel positive about being where I am at this point in my life and hope that perseverance, dedication and humanity will take me far - but never too far away from myself, my friends, or my family.

My Favourite Paulo Coelho Quotes

“Everything that happens once can never happen again. But everything that happens twice will surely happen a third time.”

“I think that when we look for love courageously, it reveals itself, and we wind up attracting even more love. If one person really wants us, everyone does. But if we're alone, we become even more alone. Life is strange.”

“When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

"It's the simple things in life that are the most extraordinary."

"No one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone. That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it."

"Freedom is not the absence of commitments, but the ability to choose - and commit myself to - what is best for me."

"The journey towards the top of the mountain is always longer than you think. Don't fool yourself: the moment will come where what seemed to be close to you is in fact still very far away."

"Everything on earth is being continuously transformed, because the earth is alive ... and it has a soul. We are part of that soul, so we rarely recognize that it is working for us."

"There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure."

Her Name Was Lola She Was A Showgirl

Today, I braced the cold and ventured out to Central London. The tube service was, true to its nature, despicable. It makes me wonder how such an advanced nation can be so backward in its public service. Where is the taxpayer's money going?! I'm sure every pissed off commuter was running the same thought in his head. Finally, a third tube arrived and after being packed like sardines in a can with strangers rubbing up against me and breathing in an unimagineable amount of germs, I made it to my destination - Wahaca. That's when things really started looking up, and I actually ended up have a fabulous day like a true Londoner!

Wahaca seems to be a favourite amongst the Brits. While some of us were contemplating ordering three portions each, we were lucky to finish even two. For once in my life, I decided against dessert and I'm sure my thighs will thank me for it as later at Selfridges, I was introduced to - brace yourself - Lola's. Ah, Lola's. My new love. The queen of cupcakes. Frosty, glittering, beautifully sprinkled cupcakes.

Bollywood Fanatic

I watched my first Bollywood film at the young age of eight. It was in Munich, Germany where my sister and I were visiting a family friend. To ease our boredom as impatient kids, she rented out Mard starring Amitabh Bachchan. 18 years on, my passion for Bollywood hasn't faded by even one percent. In fact, as each year passes, I become even more dedicated. Perhaps it's my link to my roots and as each year passes of my living away from them, Bollywood moves closer to me.

Anyone who knows me learns within hours and at times minutes that I am a major Bollywood fan. I read Bollywood news religiously every day, and am in shock when someone tells me a scoop of Bollywood gupshup I haven't heard already, especially if it's about Shahrukh Khan. The mighty SRK is someone I've idolised and been rather obsessed with for longer than I can remember. I've paid ridiculous amounts of money to watch him live thrice in Holland, and each time the same adrenaline rush takes over. I found SRK's performance in My Name Is Khan exceptional - his best work by far.

Non-Bollywood fans who I try my best to convert ask me the same question: Why do you love it so much? The answer my little ignoramus friends is that no film industry can make you FEEL as much as Bollywood does. I accredit my emotions, sensitivity and passion to Bollywood. Indifference is an emotion that eludes Bollywood and my life. Bollywood resurrects family ties, courtship, marriage and since the last five to ten years - being educated, ambitious and worldly.

I've introduced friends from all parts of the world to Bollywood - Dutch, Nigerian, British, Czechen, Iranian - each has warmed up to it, and some admitted to me that they youtubed Bollywood songs in the privacy of their homes. I say mission accomplished!

The Boys of My Generation

I am writing this today based on two facts. One – this is a subjective piece of writing, albeit drawn from actual life experiences. Two – I write it from a non-traditional perspective as I live in the West and views on dating and marriage are quite different in Pakistan, my country of origin. I am divulging this information to you not to be titled a ‘male basher’ or be called a feminist where life begins and ends with women’s rights, but as a silent observer of the boys of my generation – the twenty something boys.

One can understand that twenty something boys in the West are all starters in the big bad world of leaving their parents’ home and supporting themselves. It is therefore also understandable that their quest for independence is stronger than the desire to take a girl out for dinner. In Asian families driving daddy’s expensive car and using his hard earned money to entertain the ladies may have a charm of its own, but I wonder how much credit one can give to these twenty something boys. What I am speaking of here is striking a balance – a balance of independence and treating a girl like a princess, at least in the courtship stage.

Exploiting ‘going Dutch’

I once went for lunch with a male friend. Immediately after I suggested going for lunch, his horrified response was, “you’re not expecting me to pay, right?”. Allow me to make evident the fact that any time we have lunched in the past, we have always gone Dutch (meaning, we pay for our share of the bill). I had in no way implied any expectation of pay, being well aware of how it goes in the West. Knowing how this potential expectation bothered this friend, I responded “I’ll pay for myself of course” and added nonchalantly “I could even treat you”. Note be taken that I’m offering lunch being unemployed while he has a job. Now, let’s fast forward to after lunch. When it’s time to ask for the bill, he tells me, “thank you for lunch”. Ordinarily I would have let this one pass, but him assuming I was paying after making it clear he had no intension or desire to pay for my lunch annoyed me. Almost reading the surprise on my face, he added with a big smile on his face, “you said you were treating”.

Strike one.

Lazy boys will be lazy boys

Another observation I have made, and this is certainly by no means a tag I’d like to put on all boys in their twenty’s – many are just lazy. They lack the ambition and willingness to work hard like their parents did in their youth. They are perfectly content on taking their time to find out ‘who they are’ and ‘what they like’. I would think a year is the maximum amount of time needed for this self discovery. If it spans well into your late twenty’s and early to mid thirty’s, let’s call a spade a spade. Also, with modern relationships becoming increasingly lenient in terms of expectations, and girls working (which I am all for of course, but not to the detriment of our well being), some boys have conveniently taken a back seat, for God knows how long. Let me give you an example. A friend of mine went to university with her now ex-boyfriend. They started off with a similar level of intellect and ambition. As university ended, she went on to work in Hong Kong, Dublin and Amsterdam. He stayed where he was – with romantic ideas about music and saving the world – all living under her roof with her financial support. This went on for a whole year. One day when she needed his help – a mere lift from one location to another as she was carrying heavy bags – he asked her to refund him a pathetic amount of ‘gas money’.

Strike two.

Immediate gratification in exchange for courtship

As a modern girl in my twenty’s I have lived the majority of my life in the West. I therefore understand that dating and relationships can be quite different in terms of expectations in this part of the world. Yet, year after year of having watched my friends, classmates and colleagues go through an incredibly short and to the point of non-existent ‘courtship’, I have reached some dismal conclusions (yet, these conclusions are not static and I hope that one day someone will prove me wrong). The conclusions I speak of are these: There is minimum effort from the boy’s side into asking a girl out on a date and eventually living a married life together. I have found these boys to want their cake and eat it too – might I add with a cherry on top. In other words, they’re getting the whole package and investing close to nothing to get it. One night in a bar or a party at a friend’s place will be enough for the couple to meet and decide they like each other, followed immmediately by living together and world travel. To each his own, but I personally like a traditional courtship where a girl is persued for a long time, exclusively. I’m not referring to playing the field, but to the boy waiting patiently for the girl’s yes. Many dates must follow after this, long phone calls, smses, letters (although I wonder if anyone in their twenty’s writes letters nowadays) and at some point meeting of the parents. This does not mean one must get married to this person under all circumstances, but the intent of marriage should be there. And that is exactly what I cannot digest the Western way of dating and relationships. What kills me is that very often marriage is not even an option. Babies may follow, joint back accounts may follow, but marriage is off the table. I once visited a couple’s home to congratulate them on their first child after five years of being together. With a look of surprise on their faces when asked about getting married, they answered, “we really haven’t thought about it”. I have asked many young people this in the West, and sadly their views on marriage are unanamous – “it’s just a piece of paper”. Perhaps high divorce rates have made them pessimistic towards the idea of marriage. The other side to this is that many girls in fact accept the status quo. I know several girls who have live-in relationships, joint bank accounts with their partners, some have children, but remain unmarried . One hears every now and then that a girl walks out such a relationship for precisely this reason, but most do not out of fear of being alone, fear of giving up a big emotional investment, or perhaps some feel the same way about marriage, which is an even sadder realisation.

Celebrity relationships

I sometimes wonder if we are influenced by our idols. For instance, let me share some Hollywood examples with you. I recently read this in The Daily Mail: “Mark Wahlberg finally ties the knot after eight years and three children in intimate ceremony”. I deduce from this that women want the traditional “I do’s” as one never hears of a women saying no to a proposal, but in fact it is men who are in no rush to walk down the aisle. Similarly, Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis have been in a ‘committed’ relationship since over ten years with two children between them. Rumours of a wedding have been floating in the press for years. Even in Bollywood, long term relationships are quite common. How many beautiful girls has one seen running into and then running out of the arms of Salman Khan? He remains unmarried. Likewise, John Abraham and Bipasha Basu were among the first to admit living together. After eight years of being together, they continue to do so – unmarried.

Are girls to blame?

Observing all this around me, I wonder if we as girls have taken emancipation to a new level. I have heard this response from girls very often on a glorious occasion when a guy has offered to pay the tab – “I felt guilty accepting”. Is this something our parents have enstilled in us or have we been programmed by society to ‘go Dutch’. Yet I don’t think any girl ever agreed to have a non-committal, miserly bum in exchange for her independence. Perhaps girls are increasingly becoming career focused and this has given boys the convenient idea that we are unconventional and not looking for a steady relationship. In the West it is absurdly easy to switch from partner to partner, and so girls dig their nails into a non-committal realtionship even deeper. Finally and in all fairness, I feel we as twenty something girls are getting more rebellious and unwilling to listen to parental advice and better judgement.

Let’s face it. We want it all. We want our careers and independence, but we also enjoy being pampered and taken out for dinner and a movie. We want someone who’ll stand with us in our journey through life, not opressing us or feeding off of us or making us feel guilty for reaching new heights. As for myself, I doubt if this Pakistani girl will ever get her head around relationships in the West, where everything works backwards – Intimacy first. Courtship later. Flatmates first. Committment later. Holidays first. Joint bank account later. Babies first. Marriage later. It’s a world gone mad.

Workin 9 to 5

Workin' 9 to 5, what a way to make a livin baby! Dolly Parton wasn't kidding. As of next week Monday, I'll be working at my dream magazine - Asiana. Asiana's every British Asian's fashion bible. It proudly embodies desi bridalwear and gorgeous fashion, wedding venues, make-up artists, bollywood gupshup - the works! After an editorial work placement at the magazine I will be now be working in their sales team - an opportunity which will give a complete Asiana experience - kind of like going to a beauty parlour for a manicure and leaving with a facial as well.

I'm also working on a very interesting feature as a freelance writer. My subject is fascinating and can't wait to see the final published version! Nothing drives me more than writing. I suppose writing is in my blood. My mother graduated in Journalism as well, and writes until today. Though I invested four years in a Business degree, I can't for the life of me be bothered with profit and loss or any other figures for that matter. I mean why should I kill my creativity in mundane processes which will make a giant of a multinational reep ridiculous amounts of profit while I complain about being just a number? I pondered over this and struggled with the idea for an entire year until I eventually packed my bags and took off to London.

And so here I am, not regretting my decision for a single moment. The only thing I can't find here but desperately miss are my nieces who I long to see every day, and of course my lovely friends but the latter are London fans and now have a holiday destination.

Life has unfolded suprisingly. It is a now a completely different canvas than I envisioned for myself at 26, but I'm reminded of wise words: everything happens for a reason. I believe strongly that one cannot escape one's fate, no matter how hard we try to fight it. If my fate was to move to London and finally hear my calling, I accept it happily.

To Be Or Not To Be

I live in society that is universal in it's obsession with status and wealth. It's a time when recession has forced education to lose its value. I find that today, class is an undervalued quality and modesty does not exist. A pin-sized minority are honest and genuine, but the dominanting money and attention-hungry majority don't allow the former to co-exist as equals.

In the last few years, I toyed with the idea of experimenting with society and found the outcome almost laughable. Any time I reached out to people for help or gave them the feeling of being needed, they recoiled and were too busy to do anything humane. The moment I was on top of the world - workwise in particular -they sought me out with unimagineable determination. I learned with time and other dips which eventually followed that the trend continued. Such is the superficial and disappointing society that leads me feeling conflicted. Luckily, a few dear friends happily hung on through the traumatic dips while the rest unknowingly drained through the sieve.

As a result, twenty six years of life lessons have taught me to make better judgements and classify people into boxes. A flatmate is strictly a flatmate and does not become my 'friend', and a colleague will forever remain a colleague. While all this sounds great in theory, I have to admit that my emotions get the better of me almost every time.

London Bridge Is Falling Down

London. Home to one of the world's most famous nursery rhymes. Two weeks ago, I joined the masses and aboarded a flight to Heathrow. Two weeks on, I can safely say that I am an official Londoner. I have advantage cards at Boots and Tesco, a British bank account, a topped up Oyster, an Asian cash and carry across my house and last but not least, a melodious skip in my voice. After all, it would be rude not to sound perpetually jovial. The other option would be to present myself as the brilliantly cynical, international up and coming writer. I'll opt for the latter once I'm on everybody's computer screen, book shelf and coffee table.