The Boys of My Generation

I am writing this today based on two facts. One – this is a subjective piece of writing, albeit drawn from actual life experiences. Two – I write it from a non-traditional perspective as I live in the West and views on dating and marriage are quite different in Pakistan, my country of origin. I am divulging this information to you not to be titled a ‘male basher’ or be called a feminist where life begins and ends with women’s rights, but as a silent observer of the boys of my generation – the twenty something boys.

One can understand that twenty something boys in the West are all starters in the big bad world of leaving their parents’ home and supporting themselves. It is therefore also understandable that their quest for independence is stronger than the desire to take a girl out for dinner. In Asian families driving daddy’s expensive car and using his hard earned money to entertain the ladies may have a charm of its own, but I wonder how much credit one can give to these twenty something boys. What I am speaking of here is striking a balance – a balance of independence and treating a girl like a princess, at least in the courtship stage.

Exploiting ‘going Dutch’

I once went for lunch with a male friend. Immediately after I suggested going for lunch, his horrified response was, “you’re not expecting me to pay, right?”. Allow me to make evident the fact that any time we have lunched in the past, we have always gone Dutch (meaning, we pay for our share of the bill). I had in no way implied any expectation of pay, being well aware of how it goes in the West. Knowing how this potential expectation bothered this friend, I responded “I’ll pay for myself of course” and added nonchalantly “I could even treat you”. Note be taken that I’m offering lunch being unemployed while he has a job. Now, let’s fast forward to after lunch. When it’s time to ask for the bill, he tells me, “thank you for lunch”. Ordinarily I would have let this one pass, but him assuming I was paying after making it clear he had no intension or desire to pay for my lunch annoyed me. Almost reading the surprise on my face, he added with a big smile on his face, “you said you were treating”.

Strike one.

Lazy boys will be lazy boys

Another observation I have made, and this is certainly by no means a tag I’d like to put on all boys in their twenty’s – many are just lazy. They lack the ambition and willingness to work hard like their parents did in their youth. They are perfectly content on taking their time to find out ‘who they are’ and ‘what they like’. I would think a year is the maximum amount of time needed for this self discovery. If it spans well into your late twenty’s and early to mid thirty’s, let’s call a spade a spade. Also, with modern relationships becoming increasingly lenient in terms of expectations, and girls working (which I am all for of course, but not to the detriment of our well being), some boys have conveniently taken a back seat, for God knows how long. Let me give you an example. A friend of mine went to university with her now ex-boyfriend. They started off with a similar level of intellect and ambition. As university ended, she went on to work in Hong Kong, Dublin and Amsterdam. He stayed where he was – with romantic ideas about music and saving the world – all living under her roof with her financial support. This went on for a whole year. One day when she needed his help – a mere lift from one location to another as she was carrying heavy bags – he asked her to refund him a pathetic amount of ‘gas money’.

Strike two.

Immediate gratification in exchange for courtship

As a modern girl in my twenty’s I have lived the majority of my life in the West. I therefore understand that dating and relationships can be quite different in terms of expectations in this part of the world. Yet, year after year of having watched my friends, classmates and colleagues go through an incredibly short and to the point of non-existent ‘courtship’, I have reached some dismal conclusions (yet, these conclusions are not static and I hope that one day someone will prove me wrong). The conclusions I speak of are these: There is minimum effort from the boy’s side into asking a girl out on a date and eventually living a married life together. I have found these boys to want their cake and eat it too – might I add with a cherry on top. In other words, they’re getting the whole package and investing close to nothing to get it. One night in a bar or a party at a friend’s place will be enough for the couple to meet and decide they like each other, followed immmediately by living together and world travel. To each his own, but I personally like a traditional courtship where a girl is persued for a long time, exclusively. I’m not referring to playing the field, but to the boy waiting patiently for the girl’s yes. Many dates must follow after this, long phone calls, smses, letters (although I wonder if anyone in their twenty’s writes letters nowadays) and at some point meeting of the parents. This does not mean one must get married to this person under all circumstances, but the intent of marriage should be there. And that is exactly what I cannot digest the Western way of dating and relationships. What kills me is that very often marriage is not even an option. Babies may follow, joint back accounts may follow, but marriage is off the table. I once visited a couple’s home to congratulate them on their first child after five years of being together. With a look of surprise on their faces when asked about getting married, they answered, “we really haven’t thought about it”. I have asked many young people this in the West, and sadly their views on marriage are unanamous – “it’s just a piece of paper”. Perhaps high divorce rates have made them pessimistic towards the idea of marriage. The other side to this is that many girls in fact accept the status quo. I know several girls who have live-in relationships, joint bank accounts with their partners, some have children, but remain unmarried . One hears every now and then that a girl walks out such a relationship for precisely this reason, but most do not out of fear of being alone, fear of giving up a big emotional investment, or perhaps some feel the same way about marriage, which is an even sadder realisation.

Celebrity relationships

I sometimes wonder if we are influenced by our idols. For instance, let me share some Hollywood examples with you. I recently read this in The Daily Mail: “Mark Wahlberg finally ties the knot after eight years and three children in intimate ceremony”. I deduce from this that women want the traditional “I do’s” as one never hears of a women saying no to a proposal, but in fact it is men who are in no rush to walk down the aisle. Similarly, Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis have been in a ‘committed’ relationship since over ten years with two children between them. Rumours of a wedding have been floating in the press for years. Even in Bollywood, long term relationships are quite common. How many beautiful girls has one seen running into and then running out of the arms of Salman Khan? He remains unmarried. Likewise, John Abraham and Bipasha Basu were among the first to admit living together. After eight years of being together, they continue to do so – unmarried.

Are girls to blame?

Observing all this around me, I wonder if we as girls have taken emancipation to a new level. I have heard this response from girls very often on a glorious occasion when a guy has offered to pay the tab – “I felt guilty accepting”. Is this something our parents have enstilled in us or have we been programmed by society to ‘go Dutch’. Yet I don’t think any girl ever agreed to have a non-committal, miserly bum in exchange for her independence. Perhaps girls are increasingly becoming career focused and this has given boys the convenient idea that we are unconventional and not looking for a steady relationship. In the West it is absurdly easy to switch from partner to partner, and so girls dig their nails into a non-committal realtionship even deeper. Finally and in all fairness, I feel we as twenty something girls are getting more rebellious and unwilling to listen to parental advice and better judgement.

Let’s face it. We want it all. We want our careers and independence, but we also enjoy being pampered and taken out for dinner and a movie. We want someone who’ll stand with us in our journey through life, not opressing us or feeding off of us or making us feel guilty for reaching new heights. As for myself, I doubt if this Pakistani girl will ever get her head around relationships in the West, where everything works backwards – Intimacy first. Courtship later. Flatmates first. Committment later. Holidays first. Joint bank account later. Babies first. Marriage later. It’s a world gone mad.