2011 Today

It's already February. 2010 was definately the fastest year of my life. So much happened. I experienced relocation, new friendships, new job, losing a beloved family member, a rejuvenated love for my country and people - the list is endless. 2011 began with a bang with work consuming every moment and eating into my weekends. This weekend I'm feeling like I can finally breathe again and I'm definately rearing to go. Missing family but nothing's changed there.

Some friends have been disappointing and keeping true to myself after giving them LOTS of chances, I'm starting to give up on them. It's part of life I suppose. "Every friend is a phase of your life", someone told me once. It always stayed with me.

2010 lessons continued..

2010 lesson number 1: Stop planning & allow life to take you on an adventure

‎2010 lesson number 2: Fabulousness shines through 15 kilos of weight gain so quit stressing

2010 lesson number 3: Someone told me years ago that to be truly happy I need to "learn to be OK with [your]self and enjoy [your] own company". I am and I do. Halleluja!

2010 lesson number 4: Don't share too much. There's always someone who will take advantage of your openess

‎2010 lesson number 5: History means a lot in friendships but sometimes it's just not enough

Out of Sorts

I'm feeling out of sorts lately. I don't feel motivated to go to work every morning. I don't feel energetic during the day. I'm not up for seeing anyone. I've been told I'm tired since my trip to Pakistan. I feel a change within as well. People are annoying me too quickly. I just can't be bothered. I'm not myself. Although, what is myself?! Time for some soul searching.

Random Thoughts

Thoughts on WINTER

Winter brings out all kinds of feelings in people. Happy ones. Excited ones. Sensitive ones. Sad ones. Maybe the purity of the snow highlights the darkness of our minds or the vibrance of our mood. I think it's the season most people yearn for a partner (or so I've been told) to stay warm on those shivering winter nights. It's also the season that puts most pressure on family bonding and everyone rushes home. Winter also forces out the urge to spend. Shop until you drop then pick yourself up and shop some more.

Thoughts on FRIENDSHIP

I love the way children love. No adult loves like a child because no adult loves unconditionally. Well some do, but I've met very few in my 27 years. One, in fact. Men in particular always care with a motive. Parents, especially in Asian families, love with conditions. Your happiness is theirs as long as you're following what they dictate. Friends too pretend to care unconditionally but quietly their concern goes as far as you meeting their expectations. We live in a world of opportunists. I keep forgetting this very important fact. It's disappointing and very discouraging.

Thoughts on FATE

There are two main viewpoints on fate. Some believe in it. Others don't. It's that simple. I for one believe entirely in fate and over the years life has proven to me that planning is completely and absolutely pointless. One must give one's best and leave the rest up to fate. No one's smart enough to fight it, though you should still try to prove to yourself that you did your best. There's a little fighter in everyone anyway.

Thoughts on REGRET

It's always advisable not to regret anything in life. It's one of those things that are easier preached than practiced though. I feel nothing but regret over missing my gorgeous cousin's wedding. Word of advice to all: Never ever put work before family.

Last Thoughts on Pakistan

Every day I feel a deep sense of loss after this particular trip to Pakistan. I don’t know what it is. I’ve also never felt this sad leaving it before. The love that family has shown me there has made life in the West seem so hollow and insignificant. I can almost go so far as to say that my view on the world and priorities have changed. The thought of partying isn’t sending that same rush through my body anymore. Going to work is nice, but just because it’s mine. That’s my only comfort now. I’m here for whatever it is because it’s something I’ve created for myself.

Pakistan, with all it’s obvious flaws, is full of emotion and passion. People care like nowhere else. Even when they don’t give a shit, they do it properly. No one’s blasé. Young Pakistani’s love to enjoy life. They push the envelope whenever they can but culture and religion remains central to their lifestyle. Food never evades them. Lunch is served before breakfast is digested and dinner plans are made over lunch. Ah the good life. I’ve been back four days and haven’t cooked a single meal for myself. Won’t be cooking in the coming 3 days either. So much for an independent life.

I can’t complain much though. London’s great. I just wish I could pool together the handful of family in Pakistan, the smaller handful in Holland and bring them all to me. But then there would be no one and nothing to miss. Leading the life of a gypsy constantly on the move isn’t always easy..which reminds me I must book tickets for Shakira's concert!

Too Much To Do Too Little Time

Two more days to go. Time's running out! Dholki dance practice is in session and I'm eating LOADS. My aunt's generous as always and showing everyone a good time. I hate the thought of getting back to routine on the 23rd while my cousin's mehndi's taking place here. Aaaaa talk about shit timing.

When a Wedding Taketh Over

A wedding is supposed to be a time of joy, laughter, happiness and celebration. Why then does it always bring the worst out in people? I notice each wedding turns into a case of negativity, frustration and stress. The biggest issue of concern appears to be money. I know one thing for sure - I will not be getting married in Pakistan. The hassle, the wasted time spent on driving through miserable traffic (which is ALWAYS chockablock) to a billion shops, negotiating with tailors and dyers and henna artists and caterers and venues and photographers.. aaaaaaa I can't take it anymore! My wedding will be simple. It will involve hiring a wedding planner and making sure the guy's family pays for it. Okay that was a bit cheeky but surely there has to be way out of this madness!

Watching everyone around me makes me realize how much my mother did for my sister's wedding. NOTHING was unfinished or unresolved. She took care of everything from the jeweler, makeup artist and clothes to the venue, catering, invitations and what not. The only concern my sister had was to get a good night's rest before her big day. I too was oblivious to everything my mother singlehandedly managed - a true superwoman!

I'm also getting a better understanding of how important in-laws are to Pakistani marriages. Here, it's LITERALLY a case of buy one get a whole family and their friends and enemies for free. I would hate the thought of interfering family members who aren't even my own. As a rebel I rarely listen to my own blood let alone outsiders. This too worries me but I'm finding great comfort in the fact that I don't live here and can speak my mind openly five days from now. Pakistanis, as wonderful as they are in their own way, are ridiculously hypocritical and shallow. It's about ignoring our actions and judging others for theirs. It's also ALL about society and making others happy. Never mind your own happiness - in fact don't even mention your own happiness - please others even if it's your big day. Be miserable in the process, but please your in-laws and distant relatives until your last breath. Oh and don't feel bad either as Allah will reward you in your next life.

Can anyone read the sarcasm?!

And so once again I find myself between two worlds, not fully belonging to either like millions out there including my friends. I guess that's what draws us to each other. We're just too damn alike!

Inshallah and Mashallah

Religion is a huge part of life in Pakistan. There's a prayer for good health; one for a safe journey; one to help find what's lost; one for success - the list is endless. It's interesting to see the role faith plays in the lives of Muslims. At times I find myself so far from my roots that I can't even see the Naveen I once was. Maybe I'm not looking hard enough (I'm listening to R.E.M's "Losing my religion" as I write this for inspiration). But then again there are times when I think of God - for example when I pray for my granny's health or my nieces' future, or even a small prayer every time my plane's about to take off. Someone once told me: "if you don't ask Allah he won't give you". As a student I struggled to pass one subject. I attempted again and again, failing miserably each time. After this advice I prayed - and I passed. It may have been luck for all I know, but I chose to believe it was the fact that my prayer had been answered. That's the thing about faith - it's what you believe, not what is.

Some may find it strange that I find it a turn on when Shahrukh Khan says "inshallah". He says this often by the way. It may be one of the reasons I have so much respect for him. The same goes for someone I find in Holland/London who has a Muslim background but isn't all that religious. I feel connected to them, like we're on the same page because both of us have drifted away from our roots, but deep down we know who we are and only WE understand this. It feels silly to confess that at 27 I'm still finding my way. I believe I'll have it all figured out by 30 - inshallah.

Lady of Leisure

Time is really flying. It's already the 15th and my flight's a week from now. I already know I'm going to miss my time in Karachi a lot. Luckily life in London is very busy and any moments of feeling homesick pass soon enough. I will definitely miss having my breakfast ready n waiting for me every morning (or afternoon which is usually when I wake up), being taken out for lunch followed by a lavish dinner and dessert - there's ALWAYS room for dessert...which reminds me that I have to kill it at the gym asap! The fat ain't gonna burn itself.

While I love my independence and fought very hard for it, I must say I could sooooo get used to being waited on hand and foot.

Ok this blog isn't very insightful is it?! I'm not feeling inspired right now as got only four hours of sleep last night. Zzzz

Close Encounters

They say life is often about being at the right place at the right time. Tonight, that's exactly what happened.

I was at CTC mall and less than 2 km away, a massive blast shook up the city - literally! All we heard inside the mall while searching for yet more material for festivities (it's permanently wedding season in Pakistan) was the sudden rattling of a shop's shutter. Shopkeepers, immune to the state of Karachi as of late, ignored it. Within seconds - yes, seconds! - hundreds of shoppers poured in from behind us and rushed towards the exits. I heard some random voices saying it was an explosion in the building across the street. Our driver said he heard the blast loud and clear and had started to run away from the car. My cousins and aunt are equally immune to the pathetic lawlessness of Karachi and decided to drive over to another area to continue shopping. The city thought faster and everything was dead except for speeding cars escaping the city to find refuge in their homes. We managed to collect some more fabric along the way from a darkened alley. The lights had been switched off and the alley - in reality a tiny mall - was deserted. Luckily the shopkeepers agreed to come outside on street level and hand over the goods. The city, which fifteen minutes ago was hustling bustling with activity, became still. Unfortunately, the only time the roads are peaceful to drive on and the drive a pleasant one without honks blasting in your ear is at times when fear pushes people off the streets and threatens them into silence.

At home, four windows and one door had been forced open because of the blast. As someone who has fortunately never been through war or any real hardship (excluding a cheating ex and making a life for myself in a strange country twice), I'm still in shock I suppose. I couldn't even get myself to listen to the news afterwards. Too disturbing. Too real.

Lights out. The city's asleep.